foolish

I feel so incredibly foolish for believing that the studio that Antonello found would work out. It has gone from 95% sure to 5% possible. He met with the landlord today to finalize rent/deposit and it just doesn't look like it's going to work out after all. I don't want to let money get in my way of this possibility but as I walked outside searching for it, I didn't see any growing on trees.

To go from such a high to such a low is beyond discouraging.

happy tears

Isn't it funny/frustrating/amazing how things have a way of working themselves out? Funny & amazing because it seems impossible and unreachable at first...and frustrating because of all the emotion and worry you spend on thinking if it will work out or how it will work out. I have been thinking/stressing/praying for a place to live when I return to Napoli and it just so happened that today may have provided such a place...about 95% sure. :) Antonello and his mom went and looked at a beautiful (& NEW) apartment today in downtown Napoli, right on Corso Umberto, the street that led to my language school in the fall. The landlord was wonderful and the place was clean and beautiful and it's close to where Marina, Antonello's mom works, and it's SO close to Piazza Garibaldi where the train station is, and it's surrounded by clothes/shoe stores :), and I could go on and on and on!!!!!!!!!!

I feel as though my heart is exploding with joy whenever I think about it. I know when I go back, (in exactly 3 weeks) that I will probably face some culture shock again and that it will definitely take some time to adjust back into speaking italian but with this new place (if it ALL works out), I can have a little of my independence back. I will be able to experience more of 'me' in that beautiful country...I pray.

Here are a few pictures that Antonello took with his camera phone, so the quality isn't that great but you get the idea!

the little kitchen with a brand new little table (with it's cover still on!)

there is an upstairs/downstairs where the kitchen and bathroom are downstairs and the bedroom is at the top of the stairs.

of course every apartment has a little balcony! (taken from inside the apartment)

Stati Uniti for another month!!

I am still trying to figure out my housing situation and also some job opportunities when I get back to Napoli so I figured I needed a little more time in the states to get that sorted out...as much as I can. So, I changed my ticket from the end of February to the end of March and am so ready to have another month to be with my mom, with friends and to stuff my nose in my italian books. I have a couple leads on some apartments/studios and can feel God just holding me and telling my heart to be patient and to, "Live for this day, Sarah."

So, I have been trying to do just that...which is a lot easier said than done. Personally, I LOVE to live in the future and often my best friend, 'WHAT IF' accompanies me on my journey and in my thoughts. Today I push that voice aside and rejoice in my beautiful story and rejoice in my beautiful fiance. I found a picture of him when he was younger, sitting on a beach in southern Italy; for him, I am grateful. Because of him, I am a better woman. With him, I grow.

Thank you Antonello.

where to build the nest?

For the past few days, I have bundled up, grabbed my hat and my ipod, and have set out on daily walks, usually ending up looking out over Puget Sound on Magnolia Blvd. It has helped tremendously to center my thoughts and to pray about my 'unknown' future I am facing.

I have also been paying more attention to trees. I have been finding such beauty in them; in their tangled branches & in their strength. As I have been walking and looking at them, there have been many nests in those tangled branches as well. Each walk has brought another new nest and it got me thinking about these bird "houses". After my walk today, I came home and googled what it takes to make one...

Nests don't just show up overnight; birds have to first fly around, find and decide what tree they would like to settle into, then, they can start to build. Finding and collecting sticks, feathers, leaves, etc., to build their 'home', can finally begin after that crucial step in deciding where to live.

I feel like I am in the process of beginning to build my 'nest'. I have to first decide the 'where' part, which explains me flying around from Italy to the States and back again. When this can finally be decided, the building can begin. The sticks, feathers, and leaves can be collected and the building can start. I just want to choose the best and strongest tree for myself and the other little "bird" in my life. :)

amore

I woke up to these beautiful flowers on my front porch from a dude named Antonello for Valentine's Day! :)

questions

Here are some questions floating in my mind...

• Where am I going to live when I move back to Italy?
• With the opportunity of working as an 'english' interpreter in Pompeii, is this job going to be stable enough with providng the money I need every month?
• If not, where else can I work?
• When is the wedding going to actually be?
• Am I going to be able to get back to the States before the wedding?
• Is my mom going to be able to visit sometime before and during the wedding? Do we have enough money for that?
• Where are we going to live afterwards?
• Where is he going to work? Where am I?
• Is all of this too big of a giant to face?

I can look back at my past and see miracles, and see how pain, discomfort and only knowing the "unknown", can all work for good...but, this, this seems far too scary and big to conquer. I wish one of the unknowns would come to light soon, to provide relief, to provide some kind of action. Action for my future that I could hold and work for. Right now, I feel as if I'm holding a bunch of air, a bunch of ideas, a bunch of hopes; nothing tangible. I wish I knew where to start.

I truly had a wonderful time being in Santa Cruz this past weekend, and seeing such beautiful, familiar faces. When I would share about my adventures in Italy, whether they were words full of joy or of difficulty, it was needed for my heart to hear the words out loud, even if I was the one who lived them. But now, I'm home again and decisions need to be made, questions need to be answered (according to me), and change is inevitable.

Whew...as my heart and mind think about all of these things daily, I am reminded that God is bigger and he can take all my little bullet-points and bring them to life. He's a good starting point.

il mio papa'

~my Dad and I~

"The strongest and sweetest songs yet remain to be sung."

-Walt Whitman