ME being redefined

Have you ever been in a situation where you feel like you are looking at life from the outside? I feel as though I am watching people talk and walk and live their lives here in Naples but am not fully connected. I feel like a "foreigner" in the truest sense of the word. There have definitely been times of feeling like the missing puzzle piece in Antonello's life, but never in this city.

I know that some of you who read my blog have commented on the fact that, lately, it has been full of "tension" or that it has had an underlying layer of loneliness with a desire to get back "home". I would be lying if I said that this journey I have been on for four months has come with a joyful heart. It comes with more of a uncomfortable one.

I know that I need to cherish being in the present and to enjoy every day I have here in Italy but there is this tug in my soul to be done with this chapter in my life. I am so extremely thankful for the beautiful, patient man in my life but how do I survive if I feel like I am an outsider? How do I survive when I don't feel comfortable being "ME" here?

ME is in the states, ME is in my own place, ME has time with my mom and with friends, ME is not being watched every time I clean or wash the dishes, ME is not feeling anxious when I have to speak, ME is not having to look perfect and put-together the way Italians do daily, ME is being able to go for a walk and get out of the house without having to take a horrible, packed bus to various places, ME is being lazy sometimes without feeling guilty for it, ME is independent and I can't be ME here.

With that, I know God comes first; I know God is my center; I know God is using this difficult time for good in my future; I know God is here and I truly am trying to focus on those truths but He just seems so invisible right now.

I don't know...maybe ME is being redefined.

a thankful countdown

I have 50 more days here in Napoli before I step on an airplane on the 12th of December and fly to the one place I desperately want to see: Seattle, WA where my beautiful mom is. No matter what the weather brings, I just want to hug my mom, be in my house, drink a big cup of American coffee and breathe the fresh air in Seattle while taking a walk in my neighborhood.

I am so thankful for my city, my culture and the way I was raised. I am thankful for my amazing mom and that I will see her soon. She has been nothing but 100% supportive of the woman I am and the choices that I have made and are making. I pray to be even 1/2 the mother she is one day. She inspires me daily.

*a note for my beautiful whoosy-whatsit gotsum wi-ery: I love you so much and I want you to know how important and special you are to my life. Thank you for all your support you have given me on this journey that I have been on and for all your wisdom and advice.

One more thing, is it illegal for me to start listening to Christmas songs after Halloween? :)

He's going to kill me...

...but I couldn't pass the chance to post these videos of Antonello singing old church songs last night at his sister's birthday party. It was supposed to be a surprise party but everything went wrong in the beginning from his parent's being stuck in traffic for over an hour to people showing up an hour early saying "surprise!"...but despite the bad start, we ended up having a fabulous time eating, talking, laughing, dancing and singing! Here a few pics from the party and a couple videos of "the singers"! I'm totally going to die when Antonello gets home from tutoring so I better hurry and post them! Ciao with lots of love!

It's the season...

...for SOCCER!!!!

Antonello, Franco (dad), Fabio (best friend), Memo (friend from church), and I all watched another soccer game tonight. There is at least one a week, sometimes more and since I have never followed soccer in my whole life, it has been quite fun, I must admit.

Well, it's definitely fun to watch games with Antonello; I think he may be the loudest and the most passionate fan I have ever seen. (besides my mom with all her sports teams!) Every kick, every foul, every goal; he is right there in the action and best of all, I can watch the game through his face because it tells me exactly what is going on. It's really funny.

I am happy to tell you that NAPOLI won tonight!!!!! It was 2-1, against a team called Juventus from Northern Italy in Turin. Below, you will see a picture of two of my favorite players, Lavezzi and Hamsik and they happened to score BOTH of the goals tonight!! Bravo boys!

some life stuff

I DID IT!!! Woo-hoo! Four weeks of language school has brought new friends and a deeper confidence in speaking Italian. Here are some photos of my class the last two weeks; we laughed together, we ate together, we made plenty of mistakes with our Italian and always had patience with one another. On my last day of school, there was a little party after class and the whole school came together and had WINE to celebrate another month! It was so much fun hearing everyone speaking Italian, as well as we all could, and being brought together because of this beautiful language.

one of my teachers, Emma, on the right

Now that school is over, I will probably be attending Centro Italiano for a couple more weeks in November, but until then, I have been asked to help out with the children's ministry at Antonello's church. Last weekend, I observed all of their classes and was asked to impart any advice, new ideas, etc., to their program. Right now, I am helping with making some posters for their curriculum and hopefully will be able to create a music DVD for the kids to worship with.

With Antonello in school every day, I have A LOT of time by myself...and grammy. :) So, until school starts again, I will be busy with studying on my own and something that I have found very helpful in speaking this language is reading. SO, I asked Emanuela, Antonello's sister, if she had any childhood books for me and she gave me some old pop-up books, Cenerentola (Cinderella, which originated in Napoli) and Biancaneve (Bianca=white & neve=snow). It helps to be familiar with the story but there are words and VERBS that I still need help with!

Today, I went to school and delivered some little gifts to my teachers and the front desk. They are absolutely wonderful people and their kindness and generosity inspires. After traveling to downtown Napoli, I have been in need of a coat, so I bought one today. There is something so powerful and amazing and strengthening to be in a completely different part of the world and be able to speak another language and have others understand what you're saying.

It was a good day.

..."stress and change and sacrifice."

Here are a few pictures from this weekend and apart from turning into a pro soccer player (do you like my cool uniform?), we have had the most beautiful sunsets lately. And, aside from both of those things, I am in my last week at school. To be honest, I am extrememly happy and sad at the same time. I feel like I have hit a wall with my italian so thinking of finishing in 4 more days brings me joy but I also don't want to give up.

As much as this experience has brought laughter and "memories to last a lifetime", I still miss America and I so desperately want to "go home" soon. Talking to Doug Valenzuela, the missionary who is Antonello's pastor from Twin Lakes Church, yesterday at church, he said, "At least when I moved to Italy I had my wife, Diana, who spoke english and we shared the same culture. Where you are living and what you are doing takes a special person to do that. I would have given up already if I was you."

As encouraging as those words were to me, I feel like I am not that special person. I don't know if the deep love that Antonello and I have for each other is going to withstand this stress and change and sacrifice. Maybe I am not the right woman for this story.

I would give anything to see the ocean right now...

a short video taken from grammy's balcony