ME being redefined

Have you ever been in a situation where you feel like you are looking at life from the outside? I feel as though I am watching people talk and walk and live their lives here in Naples but am not fully connected. I feel like a "foreigner" in the truest sense of the word. There have definitely been times of feeling like the missing puzzle piece in Antonello's life, but never in this city.

I know that some of you who read my blog have commented on the fact that, lately, it has been full of "tension" or that it has had an underlying layer of loneliness with a desire to get back "home". I would be lying if I said that this journey I have been on for four months has come with a joyful heart. It comes with more of a uncomfortable one.

I know that I need to cherish being in the present and to enjoy every day I have here in Italy but there is this tug in my soul to be done with this chapter in my life. I am so extremely thankful for the beautiful, patient man in my life but how do I survive if I feel like I am an outsider? How do I survive when I don't feel comfortable being "ME" here?

ME is in the states, ME is in my own place, ME has time with my mom and with friends, ME is not being watched every time I clean or wash the dishes, ME is not feeling anxious when I have to speak, ME is not having to look perfect and put-together the way Italians do daily, ME is being able to go for a walk and get out of the house without having to take a horrible, packed bus to various places, ME is being lazy sometimes without feeling guilty for it, ME is independent and I can't be ME here.

With that, I know God comes first; I know God is my center; I know God is using this difficult time for good in my future; I know God is here and I truly am trying to focus on those truths but He just seems so invisible right now.

I don't know...maybe ME is being redefined.