being a light

"For with you is the fountain of life, in your light we see light." Psalm 36:9

"You are the light of the world." Matthew 5:14

I lit a candle tonight but I couldn't see the light hardly at all. The wick had huge walls of wax surrounding it and that little light wasn't able to shine bright. I thought to myself how our lives can become surrounded by walls and how sometimes we have to get through those walls and break them down for our light to be seen once again.

So, I took a kitchen knife and carefully cut around the candle leaving the wick as free and happy as a little wick could be. I lit it and am staring at a beautiful light and wishing that breaking down the "walls" could be as easy as it was for me with my little candle tonight.

long overdue

I can't start this post without first making myself some Napoletano espresso...be right back.

Okay, that's better. I not only feel like I have been absent from the blogging world but also the world in general. I just finished my first year of teaching English at a little private school called St. Peter's and boy, was it stretching. I absolutely LOVED the location of my school, which sat right across the street from the sea and my favorite little coffee shop but the teaching itself was a lot different from any other school I have taught at. For discipline, I had to rely on hand signals (good hand signals) and small phrases in Italian at the beginning. :) It definitely was worth all the, "I don't understand," and "Could you repeat that please?" At the end of the school year, hearing all my beautiful students speak English, whether it be basic or almost fluent, my heart took joy in their joy.

My mom came to visit me in my little Italian world for Easter and it was a trip we will carry with us forever. We had a magical time, exploring Napoli, then Roma for 2 weeks and I am just so proud that she took that step to get on the plane. I know it can be very scary to travel internationally but she did it, and did it with grace. After being blessed with my mom's presence, my beautiful cousin came over as well. We spent 2 weeks laughing, crying, eating, walking, visiting, taking pictures, making memories and picking up where we left off 7 years ago. It was so refreshing for me to spend time with pieces of my heart and to show them my life.

Now, I'm sitting in my little studio, listening to the sounds of scooters and Italians talking (screaming) back and forth to each other and wondering how in the world I ended up in this place. I have been here for 2 years, on my own for over a year and I'm still not married nor have any concrete plans for it in the future. Antonello is working hard to finish school and his thesis so he can graduate in October and then find a job to start earning some money. Does everything revolve around having enough money?

I sat and read my blog from the very beginning and could see God's fingerprints all over this story of Antonello and I. It brought me back to the place where I was so stinkin' excited for this unknown adventure! As I write this entry after being here for 2 years, with Antonello for almost 3, those fingerprints are harder to see but I think that may be because I am blind. :) I don't think I would ever recommend someone to pick up all their belongings and move away from everything they have ever known, all their friends and family and all that they hold safe to start a life somewhere new and unfamiliar. It has been difficult and it is difficult and I am just trying to see and find those fingerprints again.

When I do see them though, it's like they have been there all along. They are bright and true and in my face and all I can say is, thank you God. Thank you for bringing me here, stretching me, refining me and not letting me stay the same.

I finished my espresso and always feel better to be able to share my heart, even if it is in a blog.

30 days and Antonello and I will be in Seattle, hoping to see more fingerprints.

don't waste it...

I was listening online to a Twin Lakes Church service the other day and Rene, the pastor, was speaking about problems and what we can gain from them. He spoke about problems having value and producing an element of growth within our lives.

As much as I understand and can see that growth every time I go through problems, it's still no fun and I can't wait for them to be over. But then he said something that struck my heart when he started talking about having wisdom through the trials. He quoted something a woman had said (who was going through a very difficult time) to her pastor after having being asked, "How can I pray for you?" She replied, "Pray that I'll have the wisdom not to waste all this."

Pray I'll have the wisdom not to waste all this. Not, pray this will be over soon. Not just to throw my hands in the air and say, forget it, I'm done and wait for life to be comfortable again. Be present in the moment, in the day, in the hour and commit to finding something good.

Sarah, don't waste these trials and beautiful lessons you've been learning. There is so much light to be seen yet. Have the wisdom and courage to recognize it.

two loves

This is my little cousin Sam. I adore him. That is "Blue", his toy dog sitting on top of his head with his hands in his pockets. I am thankful beyond words to have him in my life. I just wanted to share a little glimpse of this gift from God.

My other love and the one who inspires me daily is this beautiful woman. My mom. We took this picture at Christmas in front of our tree and I just can't wait to see her in two months when she flies across the ocean to visit me for Easter. I miss her...

am I satisfied...

Once again, time seems to have slipped through my little fingers and the first thing to go is...the blog. :( So, here is a little tid-bit of how I spent my time during my time back in Seattle for Christmas break.

My beautiful cousin, Jillian, came up to Seattle from Olympia to stay with my mom and I for the weekend after Christmas and we had a blast, reconnecting, shopping, eating, cooking dinner, singing, and just laughing about all our wonderful memories growing up. It was a hard Christmas for her and her brothers, seeing that her mom, my aunt, just passed away months before. I am so grateful for the time I spent with her and she is now in the planning stages of buying a ticket to come visit me this summer! Wohoo!

Jillian and I at UW Village

Eating delicious hot dogs

I was also so so so grateful to have spent much-needed time with my besty, Kristin, who is due this April!!!!!!!! I cannot believe it and I am just beside myself with joy. I laid my head on her beautiful belly one night and as that little girl moved around, I, of course, cried tears of joy. I am so extremely sad I will miss the birth of this little treasure but am looking forward to the day where I can hold my little niece.

Kris and I in our high school pose :)

see how perfect her belly fits into mine!

For the day of Christmas, my mom and I headed down to Olympia to spent time my cousins and had a Christmas like we haven't shared in a long time; together with actual family. It was difficult to know that Aunt Jonnie wouldn't be there with us but to know that our family is somewhat coming together after such a long time of strife, will hopefully put a smile on her heavenly face.

As for Antonello, he stayed in Napoli with his family this year and although it was a little hard to be apart, it was glorious to see his face at the airport when he picked me up in Rome. Oh, what a handsome man I have. :o)

Right now, I am just working working working and trying to find more peace in this country. The language still eludes me at times but I am trying to learn. I titled my blog, 'am I satisfied...' because there are many times during the day, living in this city, where I think, am I truly satisfied here?

• Am I satisfied with the constant traffic?
• Am I satisfied with having to take the bus every day to work, which is absolutely packed 70% of the time?
• Am I satisfied with how difficult it is not to be able to speak the language fluently, even with my own in-laws?
• Am I satisfied with my little water heater that takes 1 hour to heat up so I can take a shower and wash the dishes in warm water?
• Am I satisfied with the MILLION people who smoke here all the time?
• Am I satisfied with not having my neighborhood and familiar roads surrounding me daily?
• Am I satisfied with living so far away from my mom...again?
• Am I satisfied with not having my good, solid girlfriends around me?
• Am I satisfied with not being married yet and desperately wanting to start that part of my life?

Then, the kicker. I think back and read through my journals of how I ended up here in the first place. God brought me to California, to Twin Lakes Church, to go on a missions trip, to be placed with Antonello's family for lunch that Sunday, to take an Italian class at Cabrillo College where my professor adored Napoli and knew of a great Italian school I could go to, to go to that same exact Italian school, to find an apartment right across the street from where his mom works, to have someone at Antonello's church, recommend me for a job teaching English, to being hired to work for St. Peter's where I am currently working....

...am I satisfied? I feel as though my spirit longs for my "comfortable" life I had back in the States but I have to stop myself and think. I would have missed out on seeing and living this beautiful plan that is now part of me.

I am reading back through one of my favorite books, "Ruthless Trust", by Brennan Manning, and I will leave my post with this:

"The reality of naked trust is the life of a pilgrim who leaves what is nailed down, obvious, and secure, and walks into the unknown without any rational explanation to justify the decision or guarantee the future. Why? Because God has signaled the movement and offered it his presence and his promise."

Am I satisfied? Tonight, I'm overflowing...

my gift

my berfday

Antonello threw me a surprise birthday dinner for my 30th and I felt so blessed to share it with his family and a few friends. Some of our friends couldn't make it because of the flu that has been wandering around but it was wonderful none-the-less.

I worked a very long day on the 14th, from 11:30-7:00 pm that night, so I was pretty exhausted by the time Antonello picked me up from work. He drove me back home so I could rest a while and then get ready for our "date" together. I had no idea that he was planning this dinner so when I walked into the restaurant and saw little 'nonna' (grammy) standing there trying to hide, I knew something special was up.

It was a wonderful night full of amazing appetizers, wonderful pasta and bread, and champagne with strawberry/whip-cream cake to top it off.

sitting at the table together waiting for some food!!! I thought I had opened all my presents but his parents were saving this one for me as a surprise

I just couldn't believe my eyes....as I screamed "MAMMA MIA"

my own little oven....aahhhh....

(my place is pretty tiny, so this little oven is a piece of heaven for me and my kitchen)

my dude

one of the many beautiful walls that covered the entire restaurant

my birthday cake with fireworks on it :o)

the manly men

the beauties

All in all, it was a wonderful birthday and I loved every minute.

Now, I am trying to clean my house and pack my things before I head off to Seattle once again to spend some time with mom, friends and family for Christmas. Antonello has to stay in Napoli so I am venturing off, yet again, to fly cross-country. Whew...it takes a lot of mental and physical power to keep traveling back and forth.

The other night, Antonello surprised me (again) by calling me after I had an English private lesson at my house and told me to look down from my balcony. Well, that little sneaker was standing on my street smiling at me, telling me to get down there so we could walk to our favorite neighborhood pizzeria to pick up a couple pizzas. On the way back, it started to pour down rain and we were caught in it. It was way fun pretending like we were in a race to get the pizzas home and were literally racing through my narrow streets getting drenched. Fun times.

a new song

It has been awhile since my last post and so much has happened in the last 3 months. I found a wonderful job at a private school teaching English and even have a couple private lessons at my house during the week. It has provided a level of stability that I so desperately needed. I am finding my way around the city, and although the bus is still difficult to take, I am experiencing Napoli in such a different, beautiful light.

I am so so so looking forward to traveling back to the States for Christmas and having some time off of work, of a different country, of a different language, etc., but I will miss my love. :o)

There was a point, a wall, that I hit sometime in these last three months where I didn't think I could fall deeper in my culture shock, what am I doing, this isn't for me, I miss my comfortable life I used to have, HOLE. I fell into a hole that surrounded me and wouldn't let me go. I was feeling pretty horrible, to say the least, with all my different emotions/feelings/actions/words/thoughts and I prayed every day for some kind of release, for some kind of answer.

Isn't it usually true, that the way we come to a place of light is by going through all the darkness and climbing our way through those holes? Well, I've been doing alot of climbing and am coming to a place in my life where I can finally see how beautiful it is. Not because I'm living in Italy. Not because I'm engaged. Not because I'm living some sort of romantic movie because I'm not. I'm seeing how beautiful God is through all of this and that is a song worth singing.

I am grateful to live life among these Italians, with Antonello, with his family and now with my new work family. WOO-HOO for a new song!

time off

...taking some time off of blogging for awhile...

rest in peace

My aunt died at 7:17 on Sunday night. Her four children, my mother, and her 2 best friends of 45 years were by her side as she breathed her last. I am so thankful that she was surrounded by people who loved her so very much.

I was so blessed to be able to go home for a couple weeks to see her. We laughed together as we remembered when she bet me $5 at dinner one night to order like Jim Carrey and at Christmas one year, she asked me to count all the Christmas lights I saw on the houses as I went light-looking with my cousins one evening. I think I was about 6 or 7 at the time and when I came back to her house that night, I told her I counted about 1,000. It sounded like a HUGE number to me and I was so proud I counted all of them for her.

The funeral will be in a couple of weeks and as hard as it is for me to be so far away from my mom and the rest of my cousins, I am at peace because my aunt's body is finally at peace. It has been a rough road for her in life and I am thankful she is seated gently in God's mighty hand.

Thank you for all of your prayers.

death

My aunt is dying of cancer.

It feels so strange to type those words. Everytime I think about it, my mind sees her laying in bed, with her weak body and bald head surrounded by her four children that are watching their mother die. Before future weddings. Before more grandchildren. My heart breaks to think of it, to picture her, to picture my cousins, to picture my already broken family, and to picture my own mom...and can't imagine having to go through the same thing with her.

So many feelings are racing through my already crowded heart. I fly home this Friday for two weeks to be with my mom and to spend time with my aunt. I don't know if there will be a funeral that I am going to have to attend while I am home; I am just praying/begging/hoping for some kind of unity/peace/reconciliation within my family during this time, through our grief and sorrow.

She is scared to die...and is just waiting for it to happen. What a lonely place to be in. I'm sitting here at my computer, crying, writing this blog in Italy, and feeling how extremely far away, physically, I am from her. I can only cry out and ask God to cover her, my cousins, and her brother and sisters with His tender touch and comfort.

Would you join me?

climbing mountains

Antonello, his best friend, Fabio and I, all went for a beautiful hike up Mount Vesuvius this past Saturday. It was absolutely spectacular...on so many levels. Here are some of the amazing sculptures we saw on our drive up to the hiking point.

Here is Antonello on the way up the mountain. The whole time I just kept thinking, this is an active volcano, not that I think it would erupt or anything, but just the fact of how much force and power it had and has. From my studies on Pompeii, which was the city that was buried under the 79 AD eruption of Mount Vesuvius, this area of Napoli is the most dangerous and most highly monitored area because of how active this mountain has been and how incredibly dense the population is here. It was awesome to look out on the Bay of Napoli and see where I live, right on the waterfront. :0)

The hike was pretty steep all the way to the top. And when I say 'top', I mean the outer rim of the volcano because after the eruption of 79 AD and another in 1948...the 'top' is a hole now.

Here I am standing in front of the "mouth" of the volcano...it was really special for me because only a couple months before, I was studying about Pompeii and about Mount Vesuvius and all the characteristics of the eruption and then to see the actual evidence left over...remarkable.

the "mouth"

aerial view of Mount Vesuvius - the outer rim is where we were able to walk around!

It was an incredible day. After we hiked up, I spent a little time just looking out over the bay and foggy mountain tops and felt quiet. Not only was it quiet up on the mountain, but also quiet in my soul. I love being outside and part of God's beautiful world.

My project now, besides studying for my online TEFL certification to teach english, is printing on these old tiles for some of the faithful servants who work at the Old Mill Camp (Vecchio Mulino) where Antonello volunteered this summer for an English camp. I love being able to use my artsy side! :0)

A+ day

Antonello, his family, and I all went to a beautiful beach last Friday, just south of Rome and had a wonderful day playing in the water, kicking around the soccer ball, eating delicious food and.....getting burned. Oh, that part. That definitely wasn't wonderful or is it wonderful to look at my cooked body even today...on Monday.

I know, I know. Didn't you wear sunscreen Sarah? You have such white, delicate skin!! And the answer is YES, I put on so so so much sunscreen but I'm telling you, the sun that day was cookin' everyone. Antonello's shoulders took a beating, and even his aunt and uncle who came along got burnt as well.

On Saturday, I spent all day in bed with a 101 degree temperature feeling like fried chicken...horrible. The good news is that even though I can still see/feel the effects of that hot Friday, I am feeling so much better. I even slept for 6 hours straight last night without having to get up, get some ice, go to the bathroom, drink some water, & pray over my aloe vera bottle.

Today has been quite joyful to say the least. I did both loads of laundry I needed to get done, hung all my clothes out to dry, went to the grocery store and bought some yummy fruit, eggs and stuff to make home-made pasta sauce, made a delicious lunch with penne pasta and marinara with fresh basil and parm cheese, studied for my online TEFL (Teach English as a Foreign Language) certificate, am now updating my blog and later, after my afternoon caffe', study this beautiful language I am surrounded by daily.

Grade for the day: A+

no words

Antonello and I the night before camp ended :(

Antonello and the "American" boys!


Antonello and I with our new friends, Sarah and David


Sarah, Leanne and I

my beautiful Italian loves

I just got back from a week of being a leader for an Italian/American camp with 12 Americans from California and over 50 campers from 3 different churches here in Naples.

Crazy? Yes. Loud? Very. Fun? Of course. Memories to Last a Lifetime? Many.

Are there words? Are there words to describe when God literally picks you up and shakes the chains loose? I was actually dreading this camp; I was dreading trying to survive and spend any more time in Italy with my broken Italian...and on top of still not being able to fully communicate, I was just hoping that Antonello and I would make it out....together.

I am literally staring at my computer screen, shaking my head and feeling so THANKFUL. I wish I could put into words what happened at the Old Mill Camp; I feel so much of it is just something that lives within me now and is a part of how I operate and see the world.

I not only survived, but lived the experience. 12 Americans flew over from Los Altos, California and were critical in leading the program part of camp. From the moment I found out I would be able to spend a week with fellow english speakers, my heart did a little leap...what I didn't expect was the kind of relationships that would be formed during that time as well. It was an absolute joy and answer to prayer to spend day after day with such talented and gifted leaders. We prayed together, ate the most delicious food (every day :)), watched kids make beautiful choices for their lives, played in the hot Italian sun and did it all for God. Nothing is more powerful than that.

A definite blessing my new American friends were to me during camp, but the way I connected with my new culture as well left me floored. My Italian grew in leaps and bounds and the love and appreciation I have for this country and for these beautiful campers/students/friends is overflowing. Antonello and I were able to spend time with about 20 of them last night for a little reunion, and you could feel the growth between us all; what a gift.

As for Antonello and I...well...I have never felt such respect, appreciation, admiration and love for another man. I saw him become this amazing leader, not only with the campers but with the staff as well. I have always been a little worried in the back of my mind if Antonello would fit in America, if we move over there. The answer I got was loud and clear; ABSOLUTELY. It was such a joy to watch him laugh and grow and be able to share this experience together.

At one point during the week, one of the American leaders, Sarah, ran outside to find me because she had to show me something. Antonello and Sarah were on the same team together and their group was in charge of cleaning the kitchen that night. Sarah grabbed my hand and led me to the kitchen where I poked my head in and saw Antonello's whole team dancing to the radio while doing the dishes. Antonello had his back to me and was in his own world, shaking his little booty while drying the silverware. Of course, I joined in the dancing and will always have that beautiful smile on Antonello's face in my mind.

As Antonello and I got home last Saturday, we had 3 bags of laundry (which took 2 days to do!) and tears in our eyes. It was incredible.

Not only do I get to live with camp in my heart, I had an interview with an English language school yesterday and am now a registered teacher there. I will be able to give individual lessons as well as travel to different schools throughout Naples to prepare students for exams or even to provide english teaching to people in the business world. There is no set schedule as of yet and there are other teachers that have first priority, seeing that they have worked there longer, but I am not going to let that discourage me. I trust in God and I know opportunities will open for me just the same. For the rest of the summer, I enrolled in an online course to be certified to teach English as a second language so that will keep me busy until September rolls around to begin! :)

a sneak peek

"Old Mill Camp 2009"

It has been WAY TOO LONG since my last post so here is a picture of what I have been up to this past week and a half and I promise an actual post will be coming soon!

edible art

I am continually amazed by Franco, Antonello's dad, when he uses his exceptional artist skills and creates these delicious pieces of edible art. I better watch next time! :)

buckets and food :o)

The first video was from yesterday as I was hanging my clothes out to dry. All of a sudden, a rope with a bucket tied on it flew down from nowhere (well, from a couple stories up) and landed on the street below to catch some much needed items. I caught the bucket just as it was heading home. :) What fun to live in Italy....

The second is a video that speaks for itself. I gotta get started if I want to cook like grammy!!!!

living

The best beginning to each of my days in Italy is to make myself a hot little cup of espresso. It was my first Sunday alone at my house today because I am usually with Antonello and his family for a busy day of church, a HUGE lunch and a soccer game. But on this day, on this glorious day, I was here by myself and loved each moment of the quiet streets and cool wind running across my balcony.

After waking up to no power and then having it restored at 9 a.m., I was able to get in 2 loads of laundry...there is nothing like clothes hung out to dry by the golden sun. If you take a close look, Antonello and I put up a yellow mosquito net to keep those little rascals out at night. I currently have 11 bites on my feet alone. Grrr....


After journaling and a little "soul searching" (much needed with being so far away from home, not working, and stress upon stress), I looked out towards the sea and found the most beautiful clouds that ended one of my most peaceful days I have had since I have been here. It was a pure gift from God.
This little photo, which wasn't exactly from today, is a photo taken from the most beautiful park overlooking Napoli. I included this pic because I am ending my day dreaming tonight...of being with a certain someone on a certain day wearing certain clothes with all of it happening at this certain park. We'll see...buona notte. (good-night)

Positano

Antonello, 4 visiting Americans, 3 Italian brothers and myself all took a trip down the Amalfi coast to visit one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen, Positano. Don't get me started on how dumb I am because I forgot my camera but we ended taking some pics on Antonello's phone which we haven't uploaded yet. We ended up catching the last bit of sun while walking through the narrow streets filled with little shops and restaurants; it was quite magical. By the time we reached the center of the little city which is located right on the sea, it was already dark outside so the picture above gives a very clear picture of what I saw that night.

I have to go back during the day...WITH my camera! :) Now, to figure out a way to start earning some money because I have walked past too many beautiful, Italian clothes that I can't quite get my hands on. Oh, and rent. :)

the gold chair

WAIT.

Why is this one little word so hard for me to swallow?

WAIT.

It is difficult to wait. It is difficult to not know what lies ahead in the next year, month, week, day, hour. God calls us to wait, especially when it involves His best for our lives.

I find myself waiting and it feels unfair, to be honest.

My mom loves to tell this story of when I was a little girl. Cheri (mom) and 4 year-old Sarah were in the grocery store together and happened to walk past the candy aisle...oh no. I guess little curly-haired Sarah Louise stopped and took a good look at all the precious bags of sugar and chose one she wanted, without permission. A yummy lookin' bag of M&M's. Cheri put her foot down, knowing her little girl didn't need a bag of candy and said....."NO". Well, that didn't sit right with sweet Sarah who wanted that candy and didn't want to WAIT. She wanted it NOW. Sarah didn't back down and ended up throwing the bag of M&M's on the floor and as the little pieces of goodness splattered all over the aisle, Cheri took Sarah out of the store as she began to throw a temper tantrum. They went home immediately and Sarah was placed in the dreaded gold "time-out" chair (which is currently a piece of furniture in the Yonich household).

WAITING. I didn't even want to do it as a little one. Who does? When we want something to happen, how much better would it feel if we could just have that hunger satisfied in the moment. Skip the waiting period.

There is wisdom and growth in learning how to wait. To wait for God. To wait for His best. It's not a matter of God being unfair to make us wait, it's a matter of Him loving us so much that waiting would be the best thing for us to do, however uncomfortable and aggravating it may seem.

I think God is telling me to go sit in the gold chair.

a little goes a long way

I am thankful for...

* the smell of the sea at night when I stand out on my balcony
* being able to (sometimes) understand at least 70% of an italian sentence
* seeing a friend that I met last year who works at a nearby shoe store
* being part of an italian family so if I am out of food, I can go shopping at their house
* it's not horribly humid outside...yet
* making american chocolate-chip cookies for Antonello's family, yummy!
* figured out how to watch the season finale of Grey's Anatomy on my laptop
* ear plugs (it has been so stinkin' loud at night lately)
* a mother who can change my black day into sunshine

Isn't it amazing what a little thankfulness can do to our spirit? I already feel a little lighter...